Hilarious: A Baby's First Checkup
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Posted:Jul 8, 2017 2:15 am
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2018 10:20 pm
6699 Views
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well! We'll have to check you out.
Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!"
"I know," she said.
"I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came." 😂😂😂😂 A smile just to brighten your day!
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What is dieting? What does it mean?
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Posted:Jan 12, 2019 9:58 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 5:31 am
3908 Views
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1. Drink at least 2-5 liters of water everyday, depending upon the type of weather conditions. Tea, Coffee and alcohols are not to be taken as the substitutes for pure water as these products contains dehydrating agents; they rather get rid of water from the body reserves. Soda and juices also reduce the urge to drink water.
2. Avoid junk food. Junk food means: food which has low nutritional value and high fat, sugar and calories content e.g. salted snack foods, candy, gum, most of the sweet desserts, fried chips, chocolate, cakes, soft drinks, hamburgers etc. These contain very little protein, vitamins and very high calories.
3. Eat small meals at frequent intervals instead of one large meal and avoid late night meals/snacks. Eating smaller meals during the day means control on obesity. The truth is that when you eat more often, your metabolism speeds up as the body understands there is more food on the way and better metabolism means your body burns off calories instead of storing them.
4, Avoid ready, processed food in which preservatives are used.
5. Avoid fatty food and alcohols: Alcohols have to be metabolized by the liver, so the liver can't perform the same job of, metabolizing fat at the same time. Fats: Include minimum possible oils to get fewer calories, in to your diet. Make sure to burn fat, you consume to reduce your excess weight.
6. Get your diet plan worked out by the dietitian who will prepare the exact number of calories in-take for your dieting plan. Eat right kind of diet, introducing fruits and vegetables of all colors in your menu.
7. Choose the right kind of exercises according to your routine and activities. Make sure your exercise routine more interesting by using exercise audios/videos.
Dieting Tips
8. Food selection should be based on the lowest amount of sugar, sodium and carbohydrates.
9. Never keep on eating from a jar, as like this you will not be able to have a check on yourself on the quantity intake.
10. Soups are the best way of filling yourself but make sure you take freshly prepared soups to avoid intake of preservatives.
11. When coming to eating desserts, take a small amount.
12. Don't skip a meal as by doing so you tend to overeat during the next meal.
13. Keep daily record of intake and how many calories you are using.
14, Eat fruits and vegetables salad for snacks instead of saltiest and fried chips.
15. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables (unless these are baked or tossed with butter) as most of these contain low fat and calories. Many of these contain important vitamins and fiber. Avoid avocados, coconut and olives as all of these contain fat naturally.
credit to celebrityhypnotherapy 
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Friends...
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Posted:Apr 12, 2018 1:18 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 5:31 am
4644 Views
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I know its long, and not about what your'e looking for, but worth reading...
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, “Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.” I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon),so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, “Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.”
He looked at me and said, “Hey thanks!” There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool . I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with my friends and me. He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, “Boy, you’re gonna really build serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!” He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I-was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles-would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, “Hey, big guy, you’ll be great!” He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. “Thanks,” he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach… but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.” I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
“Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.”
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person’s life
Credit to: CelebrityHypnotherapy
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Trivia too good to ignore
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Posted:Apr 12, 2018 12:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 5:31 am
4822 Views
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In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It wasruled "Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a has both front legs in the air, the person . . died in battle.
If the has one front leg in the air, the person . . . died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the has all four legs on the ground, the person . . . died of natural causes..
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase . ."goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his -in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month", which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts . . . So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase . . .
"mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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~~~~~~~~~~ AND FINALLY ~~~~~~~~~~~
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe . . . Amzanig huh!
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when . .
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
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Our century-lacks great men
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Posted:Apr 6, 2018 12:17 am
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2018 1:01 am
4706 Views
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Some idiot messaged me today on Adult Matchfirm after exchanging numbers two weeks ago and never using it. This is what he wrote: "Im sorry i didn't see u looking for a sugar daddy i cant really support anyone at all. good luck!" 
LOL Real FUNNY.
Seriously, "Sugar daddy LOL Is there such a thing these days? Thanks for the laugh... Jony boy...
I Guess I should have added on my profile, I am looking for "LOSERS AND NO REAL MAN", after all  our century-lacks great men, and for sure a gentleman.
In my personal opinion: Most men here are pussies with a unidentified cucumber between their legs and two sets of eggs that does not defined them as a real men???
We agree on one thing, that 99% of men on here have no respect for women.
Just before I end this blog; Remember this: your father didn't fuck your mother for free, OK!
He took care of her needs and she took care of his identity as a man, a husband, a father and a lover.
I bet your father wasn't a sugar daddy and your mother wasn't a gold digger, isn't that true?
I wish some losers here, get some education before they assume that I am looking for a sugar daddy, because assuming is for LOSERS LOL Oh well not too many smart guys on here... this means they're not smart enough for me.
Smart means = Educated and intelligent.
If you smart you would agree with my blog, but if your's dumb like Jony, then we can seat and laugh about them all day long. This is what makes life so beautiful.
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In water there is bacteria
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Posted:Apr 2, 2018 3:54 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 5:31 am
4603 Views
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As Ben Franklin said: “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s #@ t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I’m doing it as a public service.
Credit to; celebrityhypnotherapy
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Woman in woods
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 6:39 am
Last Updated:Apr 2, 2018 3:55 am
4694 Views
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A hunter from the countryside was tramping through the woods one day when he found a ravishing young woman, totally naked, lying on a blanket. After staring at her breathlessly for some moments he asked:
“Are you game?”
“I sure am,” she replied.
So he shot her.
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A small town farmer had three daughters.
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 6:22 am
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2018 6:31 am
4663 Views
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A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.
One evening, all his daughters were going out on dates.
The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I am Joe,
I’m here for Flo,
We’re goin’ to the show,
Is she ready to go?
The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got the his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I’m Eddie,
I’m here for Jenny,
We gettin’ spaghetti,
Is she ready?
The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I am Chuck,
And the farmer shot him.
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Occupation and pre-occupation
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 6:21 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 5:31 am
4687 Views
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Occupation and pre-occupation
A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
“A man and a woman making love in a park,” the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.
“A man and a woman making love in a boat.”
He holds up the third picture.
“A man and a woman making love at the beach.”
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one if the pictures. At the end if the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, “It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.”
And the man replies, “Well, you’re the one with the dirty pictures.
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Options
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 5:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2018 6:03 am
4556 Views
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A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?
She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old dirt bag!”
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”
She didn’t jump.
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*Welding & Wedding:*
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 5:40 am
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2018 6:05 am
4610 Views
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An engineer was asked: "What is the Technical Difference between welding and wedding ...."
He replied: "Not much; both are joints, in a way.......In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever; whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever ..."
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*Welding & Wedding:*
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 5:40 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 5:31 am
4613 Views
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An engineer was asked: "What is the Technical Difference between welding and wedding ...."
He replied: "Not much; both are joints, in a way.......In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever; whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever ..."
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Why M I Here?
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Posted:Apr 1, 2018 2:16 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2019 10:46 pm
4780 Views
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This is a good question... I am not into swingers, FWB, NSA, and for sure no hookups, so why did I end up here?
It was by an honest accident, I know no one believes me and I don't expect anyone will. I don't even care if they don't.
But I am here hoping for a miracle, lol in other words, hoping to find the needle in a haystack.
It's so hard to date anywhere, because everyone lies, cheat or want nothing with monogamy, not only here, but on every dating app. This is why I am here, because the one and the only will be found, here or on some other dating apps or across the street next to Starbucks.
So I do ignore many of you who contacts me, because I read your profile and I know for sure that you are not my cup of tea.
It's not personal against anyone here, it's just who I am.
Most of you in this life style that often transpire without any promise of, or desire for, a more traditional romantic relationship.
I can't accept it, it turns me off, it actually angers me, because we're not animals, we're human.
Oh well, I guess I am just venting out... I am feeling depressed knowing our society is turning into a disgustingly meat market. We women have no value, no respect, men only want us to get laid... What happen to love, passion, romance, etc???
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To link to this blog (CoyoteUgly4U) use [blog CoyoteUgly4U] in your messages.
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